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EGO
STATE DESCRIPTIONS
A
MATTER OF PERSPECTIVE - ONE PERSONALITY THAT CHANGES A LOT, OR FOUR EGO
STATES THAT SERVE DIFFERENT PURPOSES BUT REMAIN FAIRLY CONSTANT ?
Welcome
to the Ego State Descriptions section of the Clarity-NOW World
Center. If you've read the opening paragraphs on our Home Page,
or viewed one of our Interactive Stories, you've already learned that all of us are made up of not just
one "personality," but of four separate
"personalities" (or "ego states" as we call them),
each with its own body language, posture, attitudes, vocabulary, facial
expressions, gestures, and tone of voice.
For many members, this will be a new
concept. In the past, few of us have thought of ourselves as being
made up of separate parts, or of separate "personalities." Rather,
we've thought of ourselves as having one broad personality that changes
the way it operates from time to time -- like when we move from thinking
logically to acting "bossy" or imperiously, from trying to "boss" people
around to becoming compliant and accepting commands, from rebelling at
having been given commands to operating spontaneously and enjoying life,
or from acting fearfully and timidly about what we're doing, to
assessing things carefully and calculating the probability of our being
able to achieve some goal we aspire to.
Yet
the only difference between viewing ourselves as having one broad
personality that changes from time to time, and viewing ourselves as
being made up of separate ego states that serve different purposes and
have differing points of view, is one of perspective, or one of
focus. Thus, if we focus on viewing ourselves as a totality, we
tend to see ourselves as one overall "personality" that
changes a lot. If we focus on viewing ourselves as comprised of
separate ego states, we tend to notice that we in fact don't change very
much, but merely alternate the use of our separate ego states - which,
themselves, remain fairly constant.
This second view - the TA view, is much more useful than the traditional
view, because it emphasizes that we can identify our separate ego states
by noting their individual characteristics, and it describes how we use
each of them in different ways - not only when we deal with the
"external" world, but when we deal with ourselves, internally. It
shows, also, how we can lock ourselves into some of our ego states, and
cause ourselves and other people all manner of difficulty by doing so.
For
example, everyone knows someone who is so accustomed to lashing out in
frustration at other people, without even thinking, that there are times when it is virtually
impossible to reason with him. Everyone knows someone who can be
so fearful and depressed that it is impossible to reason with him, also
- unless the person trying to do the reasoning happens to be very
intuitive, or unless he happens to be familiar with TA, and has learned
how to bypass the Parent or Adapted Child in such people in order to
communicate directly with, and reason with, their
Adult.
To
clarify what we mean, we have excerpted the following "short"
definitions of our four "ego states" from Jut Meininger's new
book CLARITY (as we have also excerpted some of the above
paragraphs). Occasionally, we've expanded upon the book's short
definitions a bit. These definitions are called the
"short" definitions because CLARITY also contains four
chapters that are devoted entirely to describing each of our four ego
states in much greater detail.
THE "SHORT" DEFINITIONS OF OUR
FOUR EGO STATES
To
begin, we might point out that from the moment we are born (and
perhaps even before), our brains tend to act like
high-speed stereo tape recorders,
recording on one track (called, in TA terms, our "Parent") the various messages and rules of
living that we receive from our real-life mothers and fathers and other
significant grownups in our lives (all our
"dos" and "don'ts," and our "shoulds" and "should nots"), and recording
on the second track (called our "Adapted Child") the various feelings that we
feel when we receive these messages (anger, fear, self-confidence,
self-doubt, and so on).
Later in life, we draw on these Parent
messages in an automatic, non-thinking fashion (often acting like a
real-life parent by judging or criticizing), and our Adapted Child
recreates the early feelings that we once felt when we recorded these
messages (often feelings of inadequacy, guilt, rebelliousness, jealousy,
or fear), also without "thinking," by "replaying tapes" of these
feelings when we find ourselves in similar situations later in life.
This ability of the human mind to record, and to later replay certain
feelings, explains why some people find themselves feeling constantly
depressed, "one down," or unable to respond positively to events, while
others find themselves feeling constantly energized, self-confident, and
able to succeed at whatever they want. For better or for worse,
feelings that we once recorded later "replay," automatically, as we find
ourselves in similar situations later in life.
THE PARENT - The Parent ego state is
the part of us that records and stores our perceptions of the events we
experience, but not the feelings associated with these events. It
records and stores all our basic lesson of life, all our rules of
living, all our dos and don'ts, all our shoulds and should nots, and all
our how-tos and how-not-tos. Many, but not all, of the messages
stored in our Parent come directly from our mothers and fathers (or
other significant grownups in our early childhood), and are recorded
very early in life. Some are useful, and provide us with
instantaneous responses for dealing with dangerous situations, like
reminding us to step out of the paths of oncoming vehicles. Some
offer appropriate ways for dealing with the important issues in life,
like raising our children and developing long-lasting friendships.
Others are less helpful. These include various beliefs and assumptions
that we once recorded as "truth"
(possibly because our mothers and fathers believed them to be “true”),
but that were nevertheless based on inaccurate, or incomplete,
information, or on concepts that changed over the years, as we grew
older. Typically, we have no recollection of the circumstances under
which we recorded these messages, but we still operate from them. Often, we use them in destructive ways that prevent us from
developing satisfying relationships with people, and from producing the
positive results we would like to see in our personal and business
lives.
Typically, our
Parent acts like a real-life mother or father. It can be both stern and nurturing.
Our stern Parent is inclined to judge people, to punish people,
to criticize people, to give
commands, to try to control people, and to try to prove that we are
right and that other people are wrong. Our stern Parent is inclined, also, to try to judge, punish,
criticize, and
control ourselves.
On the other hand, our nurturing Parent
nurtures and takes care of other people, and also nurtures and takes
care of ourselves. Both
our stern Parent and our nurturing Parent protect and
defend us, but when our stern Parent does so it tends to get into
arguments and to attack other people, often in total disregard for the
consequences of its actions.
A third part of our Parent, called our
skills Parent, doesn't have much of a personality, but houses all
the automatic skills that we develop - our ability to play golf, tennis,
and other sports, our ability to play musical instruments, as well as
our ability to speak and to write without giving much thought to the
words that we choose.
Most
importantly, our Parent’s responses to situations and people are very
rapid.
They are, in fact, automatic, instantaneous, forceful, and unthinking.
At
times, they can get us into big trouble.
THE ADAPTED CHILD – The Adapted Child ego state develops
simultaneously with the Parent. It, too, records and stores information, but the information it
records consists largely of feelings.
Specifically, it records all the feelings we felt at the time we
recorded our early Parent messages.
Often, these feelings are positive and helpful, but just as
often, they're not.
If we were punished severely for doing something we were told not
to do, the message that we “shouldn’t” do it was recorded in our
Parent, and the pain associated with the spanking or other form of
punishment we received was recorded simultaneously in our Adapted Child.
Sometimes, also, the fear of being punished was recorded
in our Adapted Child.
On the
other hand, if we did what we were told we should do, and we ended up
feeling bored or depressed lots of the time, these feelings, also, were
recorded in our Adapted Child.
Our
Adapted Child develops its personality as it adapts to our
environment, modifying its behavior in response to the influence of our
real-life parent figures, and to life in general.
It may become compliant, rebellious, devious, manipulative,
precocious, or happy, and, when it does so, it records all the feelings associated with
these kinds of behavior.
Our Adapted Child tends to interpret things that people say in ways that
reflect the "hidden meanings" in similar statements that people made to
us when we
were much younger. Thus, it might interpret "You're late," as
meaning, "You're irresponsible." Or, it might interpret,
"How are you feeling?" as, "You don't look very well."
Adapted Child feelings include those “acceptable”
feelings that we were permitted to feel when we were young, often masking
those feelings we would truly have liked to have felt (like when we felt disappointed, or “sorry for
someone,” rather than feeling anger we might normally have felt because of what that person said
or did).
When
we are in our Parent and Adapted Child, operating from messages and
feelings that were recorded many years in our past, we are more or
less reliving a “movie” from our past.
Traditionally,
one of the goals of TA has been to re-examine our Parent messages and
our unproductive Adapted Child feelings, to rid ourselves of those that
no longer serve us, and in a sense, to turn off the movie.
THE
ADULT – The Adult ego state is the data-processing computer we all
carry around in our heads. It processes incoming information just
like a high-speed electronic computer – and
especially like the large supercomputers used to keep track of
satellites and global weather patterns.
It “crunches data” swiftly, and without emotional biases or
other distortion.
It observes reality, and examines and compares the accuracy and completeness of the
information it observes. It estimates probabilities, examines alternatives, and presents
us with options.
It assesses the implications and consequences of our actions, and seeks to apply the widest possible perspective to any issue we deal
with.
Unlike our Parent and our Adapted Child, which operate in the
past, it operates in the present, using information from all of our
senses (from what we see, hear, touch, taste, and smell), as well as
from our Natural Child’s intuitive understanding of events that unfold
before us.
The more practice it gets, the faster and more efficiently it can
do its job.
Our
Adult does not issue judgments, nor does it deal with issues of right or wrong, good or bad, and moral or immoral,
all of which are the concern
of our Parent.
Our Adult does not give advice, like our Parent might do.
Rather, it gives, and seeks, information.
Our Adult does not criticize, like our Parent might do. Rather, it
describes what it sees. Thus, it would never say, "The dress is
ugly," as our Parent might say. It would say, instead, "The dress
is red, with short sleeves."
Our Adult is detached and dispassionate, as well as open-minded and
objective.
When it is free to operate, it can provide us with all the relevant
facts we need to make clear, reasoned, decisions in life. When it is not free to operate, this information can elude us.
Unfortunately,
our Parent and Adapted Child often prevent it from operating.
THE NATURAL CHILD
– The Natural Child ego state is the part of us that
responds spontaneously and naturally to what’s going on around us.
It is the source of all our “natural” (non-recorded)
feelings.
It operates in the present, as does our Adult.
It has no preconceived idea of what feelings we “should” or
“should not” feel, or what feelings we might have felt in the past
under similar circumstances.
It is free to feel natural, spontaneous emotions.
It feels joy, surprise, exuberance, alertness, and amazement.
It feels desire.
It feels passion.
It loves.
It trusts.
It dreams.
It is the part of us that plays and has fun.
It is the part of us that has aspirations.
It is the source of all our intuition, creativity, and
inspiration, as well as the source of all the happiness and pleasure
that we experience in life.
It is the part of us that is “real.”
Ideally,
healthy, emotionally secure people are always aware of their Natural Child feelings, and use
these “gut” reactions to clarify what is going on in the world
around them, and to decide what they want to get out of life.
HOW EGO STATES
"PAIR OFF" AND LOOP BETWEEN EACH OTHER
Often, our ego states "pair off" with each other, and loop back and
forth in ways that exclude our other two ego states.
The most common form of pairing is the pairing that occurs between our
Parent and our Adapted Child, largely due to the fact that they develop
together. The second most common form of pairing is the pairing
that occurs between our Adult and our Natural Child, largely because
they both operate in the present, and because their operation is often
short-circuited by the "automatic" replaying of our Parent and our
Adapted Child. In fact, these two kinds of pairing are so common
that they form the basis of the standard four-ego-state diagram that
we use to depict how the human mind operates.
However, these two kinds of pairing are not the only
kinds of
pairing that occur. Like, right now, as I'm writing this text, my
Natural Child is pairing with my Parent. My Natural Child is creating the concepts while my Parent is monitoring
my use of the language that I employ. (This is well-worded, this
isn't. This needs editing, this doesn't. Yes, no. Yes, no. And so on.)
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