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CONDITIONAL CONFORMITY AND COMPROMISE
STROKES
A fourth form of conditional positive strokes, called
conformity and compromise strokes, is passed out in families that have
rules similar to those in performance-oriented families, but that are
not as fanatical about enforcing their rules as are parents in
performance-oriented families. Nor are parents in these families as
determined to withhold unconditional strokes from their kids, so that
they can dole them out later in the form of rewards. In fact, parents
in these families usually give unconditional strokes quite freely, and
they do so quite frequently.
But there is a catch to the way they hand out their
strokes. While these parents don’t provide their kids with any rules on
what the kids must do in order to obtain strokes (they provide
the strokes freely), they give their kids rules on what they must do, or
not do, in order to keep getting them. Generally speaking, the
rules they provide aren’t nearly as hard and fast as those that
“performance-oriented” families provide for their children. Kids in
these families have more leeway in deciding how they can act. But the
rules themselves can be equally insidious.
Jut Meininger's original description of these rules,
first published in Success Through Transactional Analysis, seems
to have held up quite well over the years. It went like this: “We will
always love you so long as you don’t disgrace us. But you will find
that there is no reason for you to disgrace us, as we have provided
ample precedent for you to use in establishing your own sense of
values. Our family traditions provide standards of the highest order
for you to draw upon. When you’re in doubt, always look to those
established practices that experience has shown to be the best, and
watch what the people you respect are doing. When things get rough,
there will always be a middle ground, and it is always wise to seek
compromise. When people disagree, you can expect them always to be
willing to bargain. In addition, majority positions are usually the
safest. Just be careful not to rock the boat and bring shame and
disgrace down upon those who love you most.
“In a sense, [these rules] provide kids with the ultimate
in traditional Parent messages. The only way a young person can lose
his source of strokes is to have an original thought. So, why risk
it? Everything has been laid out for him, and he feels good most of the
time. Panic sets in only when he goes out on a limb, and he has learned
to avoid such situations. His Parent tapes carry him comfortably
through life so long as he stays away from the deep water. He has all
the guidelines he will ever need. He just won’t think for himself.”
Nor will he take any risks.
Your Free Tour
Continues
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