|
CONDITIONAL ACCOMMODATION STROKES
A third variety of conditional positive strokes, called
accommodation strokes, is handed out in families in which mothers and fathers
limit not only the number of unconditional strokes that they give their
kids, but also limit the number of performance strokes that they
give. Like parents in many performance-orientated families, they “know” not to
give unconditional strokes, and they’re certain that there are rules
that kids must follow in order to “earn” conditional strokes, but
they’re just not too sure what these rules are.
As a result, their children grow up feeling very
unsettled and anxious. In an environment in which strokes aren’t given
freely, and in which no rules, instructions, or guidelines are given as
to how to obtain strokes of any kind, kids end up in a quandary. More
often than not, they spend nearly every waking moment trying to solve
the problem of how to get strokes.
One solution they come up with is that they learn to
reverse the stroke-getting process. That is, they learn that if they
go out of their way to stroke the other people around them – either
family members or people outside their home, typically by acting
cute, telling jokes, doing something amusing, or catering to people or
pleasing them in some way, they will receive strokes in return. They
learn that the best way to get strokes is not just by sitting and
waiting for the strokes to arrive (because strokes don’t come to them
automatically), nor is it by going out and performing for them (because
people around them don’t necessarily care if they perform well or not),
but rather, it is by becoming sensitized to the people around them, by
becoming attuned to where these people are “coming from,” and by
determining when these people are comfortable enough, or happy enough,
to respond to their efforts to ingratiate themselves with them. They
become skilled at helping people relax, at pleasing them, at comforting
them, at making them happy, and at making them laugh.
This type of early stroking environment is one that
breeds kids who grow up to become comedians, comedic actors, and certain
types of salesmen – some of whom develop unusually fine skills at
sensing the attitudes and feelings of others, and who learn to live by
their wits. It is one that breeds kids who learn to accommodate
themselves quickly to the thoughts and actions of others – kids who
learn to acquiesce, to be solicitous, and to be agreeable (whether they
feel like being that way or not). It also breeds women who learn to
develop almost slave-like relationships with the men in their lives, and
who become doormats for their husbands and boyfriends – women who feel
constantly on the brink of being rejected and who know that they must
remain ever vigilant to make sure that their worst nightmare – that of
having absolutely no source of strokes – doesn’t come true.
Your Free Tour
Continues
|
